


Pondovadia: No Children

by Cherry_Bomb_Bees



Category: Original Work, Pondovadia
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon Autistic Character, Divorce, Dysfunctional Family, Extramarital Affairs, F/M, Half-Siblings, Homophobic Language, Inspired by a Mountain Goats Song, Prom, Songfic, Teenage Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26114281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry_Bomb_Bees/pseuds/Cherry_Bomb_Bees
Summary: It's a songfic about my OCs Alice and Vincent, featuring 'No Children' by the Mountain Goats.





	Pondovadia: No Children

May 29

It all started with prom. Prom is supposed to be the happiest night for the average high schooler, right?

Alice gleefully twirled in front of the blue floor-length mirror. Her long black strapless dress billowed out in the air as the hem landed against the floor. Her wavy blond hair was tied into a French braid and decorated with black metallic butterfly clips. The beaver’s makeup was in subtle shades of cobalt and black. She delicately tied a silk choker to her neck.

“Alice, sweetie, are you ready yet?!” a feminine voice called out behind the door.

“No mom!” Alice hollered back as she grabbed a fistful of off-brand condoms from the dresser drawer and stashed them in her cleavage. She ran out of her bedroom and down the wooden stairs. Her black kitten heels clicked loudly against the maple wood.

A tall navy beaver with clean brown hair in a ducktail was standing at the doorway. He was wearing a black suit and holding a black and blue bouquet of rhododendrons. 

“Alice!” He greeted her with a close embrace. His hands trailed down her waist as she giggled and lifted a foot in the air.

“Oh Vincent” Alice blushed happily. “This is going to be such an amazing night”

**_I hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us._ **

June 9

A group of teenage boys were sitting around a green electrical box behind the Oakland school bleachers and talking amongst themselves.

“So did you hear?” a mouse asked his friends.

“Hear what?” a red bushy squirrel looked on in curiosity. He was munching on a bag of sunflower seeds without care.

The mouse looked around the empty bleachers before harshly whispering.

“Some of the girls in our grade got pregnant”

All six animals there gasped. Vincent looked away and awkwardly chuckled. 

“Do you know which ones, Barley?”

Barley shook his head. “The only thing I know is that there’s used pregnancy tests everywhere in the girls’ locker room”

“What the hell were you doing in the locker room, Barley?” the red squirrel asked.

Barley snarked “None of your damn business, Joey”

“He was on a date with Rosie Palms if you catch my drift” Vincent whispered to Joey before snickering.

**_I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us_ **

“I’m not going to college” Alice bluntly said to both her parents as they sat around the table for dinner.

Her parents gasped in surprise before her father slammed his fist against the table and sneered against her face. Fury took over his eyes as he looked disgusted at his daughter.

“Just why the hell are you not going, Alice?!” he screamed at her. “Rosemary, do something, you bitch!”

“Jean, please” Rosemary grabbed onto her husband’s arm. “Olive and Lisia didn’t go either. Now Alice, sweetie, what made you change your mind?”

Alice stood up and pulled a small package out of her sweater pocket. She tossed it onto the dinner table and glared with her arms crossed as she watched both parents open the package.

A little pink pregnancy test was sitting inside. It had two vertical lines glowing on the digital screen. There was a note pinned to the lining. It was a piece of composition notebook paper scribbled with red ink and read

‘Sorry :)!-- Vincent Woodrow’

“It better be a fucking boy” Jean whispered to himself. 

**_I hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight_ **

July 7

Alice miserably walked down the aisle of the boardwalk with her hair flying into her face. Her old prom dress was ripped up to her mid-thighs. Splinters cracked beneath her black summer sandals. She carried yellow imitation flowers and pouted as Jean led her to the end of the bridge. The boardwalk only had balloons and flowers decorating the very end. The river flowed loudly beneath the bridge as Alice frowned at Vincent. The dark blue beaver rolled his eyes apathetically. His brown hair was scuffed and he had an obvious five o clock shadow. He was dressed in a white polo shirt without a tie, plain khakis, and black saddle shoes without socks.

The marriage officiant, a dreary looking Syrian hamster, finally arrived after thirty minutes of silence. His suit was a mess, from the untucked undershirt to the coffee stain on his sleeve.

Hushed whispers were heard from the ten animals gathered nearby.

**_And I hope we hang on past the last exit, I hope it's already too late_ **

October 2

“Well, congratulations, Mrs. Woodrow, it’s going to be a girl” the horse doctor cheerily announced after finishing the ultrasound. “Have you thought of a name for her?”

Alice looked down from the stirrup chair at her growing stomach miserably. The weight of pressure felt suffocating from this news. Her dad was going to kill her for this. But fuck him. He wasn't the one who knocked her up that night.

“.....No. No I did not” she sighed.

Vincent was stumped. He had all these ideas on what to name a son-- Vincent, Jonathan, Nick, Viagro, but nothing for a daughter. He glanced over at the beautifully written diploma on the white wall-- Doctor Clarisse Butterscotch, Monongahela University Bachelor Degree in Gynecology and Reproductive Health. After looking, he glanced quickly at the mare’s white blouse, noticing how tight the sweater was against her bust.

“I do” he laid a hand on Alice’s round stomach. 

Clarisse smiled a bit as she pulled up some files. “Great! Anyways Mr. and Mrs. Woodrow, if you have any problems, here’s the clinic phone number for emergencies”

**_And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here someday burns down_ **

February 16

Alice bent over the table and screamed in agony. The rest of the customers at the Pondovadia diner turned around to see her in complete and utter pain. Two of the waiters came up to her in a hurry.

“Ma’am, ma’am, what’s wrong?!” the tall crane waiter asked her as he pushed the table away. The short penguin waiter turned around to face the bathroom.

Vincent stormed out of the mens’ restroom in a hurry. He glared at the crane and hollered

“Hey don’t touch my fucking wife, buddy” before grabbing her hand.

“Alice, hon, what’s-- oh shit” he said to himself as he saw Alice curled up in a ball and rocking back and forth. Her hands were softly clenching her stomach.

“Call an ambulance” Alice weakly begged as she looked more in distress.

The male beaver typed 911 into his phone and waited for the line to pick up. Great, my first kid is gonna be born in fucking Pondovadia of all places. The guys at work aren’t gonna live this down.

**_And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and I never come back to this town again_ **

August 15

“Asperger’s?” Alice asked a doctor in curiosity as she read through the massive document on the screen. Klarisse was sitting on another chair, looking away from everybody else as she read through a novel about a human trying to raise his toddler son from the dead. 

Alice looked throughout the wall of text-- ‘refuses all beverages except black coffee, didn’t start speaking until four, poor social skills, reads through the same horror novel meant for high schoolers despite the whole shelf of books for her age in front of her’

Vincent was exasperated. “But-- but she’s a girl!” he scoffed. 

The doctor, a pink shark with a grey coat, was resisting the urge not to facepalm into both hands.

“I’ve discussed this with three other doctors on her diagnosis and they all confirm it” he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “We also sent the diagnosis to her elementary school so they could accommodate her appropriately” 

“I don’t think that’s necessary at all, doctor. She’s just a kindergartner. Just throw her in with the rest of her kids” Vincent shook his head in disapproval. Great, just fucking great. Now he looks even more like the town asshole.

**_In my life, I hope I lie and tell everyone you were a good wife_ **

April 3

“Wow, tough life, ey Vincent?” Barley joked around with his old high school classmate at the reunion. 

Vincent snuck another sip of fireball whiskey from his grey flask. 

“Tell me about it. My daughter punched a kid last week” he was slurring his words a bit. He grabbed onto the table to stop himself from falling onto his ass.

“Really? Why?” the squirrel innocuously asked him. 

The beaver sat down on the table and took another swig of liquor. 

“Something about him grabbing her hair”

Barley laughed a bit. “Kids will be kids. Hey where’s Alice at?”

Vincent hiccuped as he swayed on the table. “I have no idea where that dumb bitch went off to, okay? And I’m fucking glad!”

**_And I hope you die, I hope we both die_ **

September 21

Alice was fuming in anger as she threw the white shirt on the table. It had a visible mark of black lipstick on the collar.

She snapped at her husband

“Vincent. Woodrow. What the hell is this?!”

Vincent slammed his fists against the slate table.

“That’s not my shirt, that’s my coworker’s” he tried to defend himself. “It ended up in my bag, alright? Get off my case already, you stupid fucking bitch”

Before Alice could explode in fury at her husband’s expletives, the door knocked. She ran over and opened it up to see Klarisse standing outside, drenched in the rain and her clothes a mess.

“Mom?” she quietly asked her. “What’s an affair?”

The mother was stunned at what she had just heard.

“How did you hear that word today, sweetheart?” she asked her daughter.

**_I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow, I hope it bleeds all day long_ **

March 14

“Wow, Mom, you sure ate a huge watermelon!” Klarisse exclaimed to her mother as she saw her large firm belly.

“No, Klarisse. Remember when Aunt Olive had to go to the hospital” Alice smiled and chuckled. She kneeled down to show her the growth. “I’m going to have a baby, and you’re gonna be a big sister!”

“Wow, cool!” the young girl exclaimed happily. “I’ve always wanted a sibling!”

Vincent stumbled through the living room, holding onto a large bottle of whiskey that was half full. His face was flustered and his shirt was messy, with another damn lipstick stain on the collar.

“What’s the fucking point when that damn kid isn’t even mine” he muttered to himself before having another swig of liquor. He went upstairs into his office without a care.

“Why is Dad drinking so much?” Klarisse asked her mom.

Alice sighed. “I don’t know either, kiddo”

**_Our friends say it’s darkest before the sun rises, we’re pretty sure they’re all wrong_ **

August 18

“Mrs. Siffleux, am I in trouble?” Klarisse asked as she followed the groundhog to her car. She sat down in the passenger seat and buckled up safely.

“Aww, no Klarisse” the teacher shook her head as she started up the car. “Your mom and dad had to go to Pondovadia for a family emergency”

“Okay!” the beaver pulled out her tablet and began to read through the novel she downloaded that day. “Is someone dying?”

Mrs. Siffleux chuckled “Oh no, quite the opposite. Your little sister’s going to be born and they thought childbirth would be too graphic for you”

“I don’t know, Mrs. Siffleux” Klarisse shrugged as she read the novel. “I read that book about the clown hiding in the sewers this summer and that was pretty graphic”

Hours had passed. The groundhog was in the middle of chopping up carrots and onions before she heard her phone go off.

“Hi, this is Isabelle Siffleux, how can I help you?” she greeted the other end of the line. “Oh, hi Alice! Yes I can put her on the line”

Klarisse walked over to grab a juice box from the fridge. The teacher handed her the phone.

“Hi mom!” she greeted Alice. “Wait, you need a name? Hmm…...How about Isabelle? Why is Dad yelling in the background? Aw okay. Love you, Mom!”

_**And I hope it stays dark forever, I hope the worst isn't over** _

December 4

"Yeah, well, tell Dad to go fuck himself" Alice yelled angrily and hung up the phone with a slam.

Vincent approached her with a hug. "Honey, what's wrong?"

She rolled her eyes. "It's my fucking dad" Alice ranted. "He keeps saying what a disappointment I am to him because I didn't give him any sons. He tells both my sisters how much he finally loves them because they had at least two sons, but I just get told to keep trying and that I'm going to end the family bloodline. Is it any surprise I'm never going to visit him ever again"

"Even funerals?" Vincent asked.

The mother scoffed. "Fine, maybe the funeral. But I'm not sending the damn kids there"

**_And I hope you blink before I do and I hope I never get sober_ **

March 4

Wailing echoed loudly through the hallways. Klarisse woke up in the dark bedroom and looked around her room. She felt an unfamiliar dampness on her sheets, causing her heart to race. Oh. Oh no.

Klarisse swung her door open and made a b-line to the bathroom. She slammed it shut and looked in the mirror in horror. A huge red stain was splattered across both sides of her floral yellow nightgown. Blood seeped from her legs and stained the fur on her legs purple.

“Moooooooooooooooooooom!” the young girl screamed loudly from the bathroom. 

She heard a thud from her parents’ bedroom.

“Klarisse, shut the fuck up!” Vincent hollered. “I’m trying to get some sleep for once”

  
  


**_And I hope when you think of me years down the line, you can't find one good thing to say_ **

  
  


June 2

Bell was digging around the cabinet doors. She found an interesting pack of something inside and stuffed them into her little green overalls.

“Mooooooom!” she yelled from the living room.

Alice gasped. She turned the shower off and threw on a white fluffy bathrobe. The mother tied the belt around her waist and stormed down the stairs in a rush. 

“Yes, Bell?” Alice asked her younger daughter.

The preschooler held up the pack of condoms in many colored wrappers. “What’s a con dome?” she asked.

Alice snatched up the condoms and threw them in her bathrobe pocket. 

“Where did you find these?” she asked in concern. Great, this is just what I needed, she thought to herself.

Bell smiled happily, her buck teeth shining in the light. “In dad’s desk!”

“Oh” Alice fake chuckled. “Very, very interesting. In fact it’s so interesting that I’m going to have a word with him after dinner”

**_And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out you'd stay the hell out of my way_ **

“What’s a dike?” Bell tugged on Klarisse’s cardigan sleeve.

Klarisse flinched then turned around to look down at her little sister.

“Where the hell did you hear that word from?” she asked her.

Bell handed her a wad of papers. “I found these in the mailbox”

The older girl read through each and every crumpled up sheet of paper, each getting more and more expletive. The last one was a crude drawing of the hangman game. Klarisse covered her mouth in horror from how vulgar these threats were.

A few hours later…

“Oh who cares? Kids bully other kids all the time” Vincent scoffed. “I got bullied at school for sucking at football and I turned out fine”

Alice facepalmed and shook her head. “Yes, but did you get death threats and constantly told to go kill yourself daily? Hmm?”

“Oh come on Alice, kids will be kids!” the patriarch yelled. “Klarisse is an adult for fuck’s sake. She's not a baby anymore”

“She’s sixteen, Vincent!” Alice yelled before leaving the kitchen.

**_I am drowning, there is no sign of land_ **

“My name’s Stanley!” the prairie dog spoke to the rest of the second graders. “And I’m from Kentucky. I moved here because my mom and dad are divorced!”

Bell whispered to her friend Marianne  
“What’s a divorce?”

Marianne hushed a whisper. “It’s when a kid is so bad that their parents stop being married”

“Hey, I heard that!” Stanley yelled at Marianne. “My parents do love me, they just don’t like each other!”

“Marianne, be nice to your new classmate” the rabbit teacher scolded Marianne. “And Stanley, that was a good introduction! In fact today we’ll talk about our families and how they’re different. Anyone have something that makes their family different?”

Some of the classmates yelled one at a time.

“My grandma lives with me and my parents!”  
“I have two older sisters!”

“My mom’s pregnant with twins!”

And then Bell confidently yelled  
“My dad’s an alcoholic!”

The classroom went quiet.

“What’s an alcoholic?” another kid asked.

**_You are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand_ **

It had been a week since her high school graduation party. Klarisse was in the middle of packing up some clothes and her laptop for moving. She felt her phone buzz and looked down.

“Klarisse, we need you to talk to you in the kitchen”

She opened the door to her bedroom and walked downstairs towards the dining table.

“What do you guys need to talk to me about?” the beaver felt her heart race as she sat down.

Alice and Vincent glared at each other before turning around to face their daughter. They had a pile of documents stashed on the wooden table. 

“Klarisse” Alice cleared her throat with a coldness in her eyes. “We’re getting divorced”

Well it’s about time, Klarisse thought to herself. She fake gasped in surprise.

“No, why?”

Alice sighed. “We’ve just had enough of each other”

“But isn’t divorce illegal in this county?” Klarisse asked as she felt everything shake around her. 

Vincent shook his head. “No, but we’re going to be ruining our reputation because of it. And also we need to ask you on what should we do with Bell”

“Why?” Klarisse deadpanned. Just when she thought she could finally escape her family by moving to Pondovadia, this hit her like a frying pan to the head.

Alice handed her a different pile of documents. “We don’t think Bell will turn out right if she lives here with divorced parents. They’ll think we’re terrible parents for not staying together”

“Who even cares about how she’ll turn out? Bell isn’t even my fucking kid” Vincent snarked. 

“Well maybe if you weren’t such a piece of shit--” Alice snarked back.

Klarisse interrupted both of them. “Mom, dad, enough!!”

She began to rant.

“I am so sick of you two arguing all the time like a bunch of children. If you can’t handle something as simple as a fucking divorce without bickering for five minutes, then maybe neither of you should even raise her! You guys raised me and look at how fucked up I turned out! Fuck you guys, I’ll do a better job with Bell than you two assholes ever will”

Klarisse flipped off both her parents at the same time and left the dinner table in silence. 

**_And I hope you die, I hope we both die_ **

Vincent yelled on the phone from inside his new house.

“Can you shut the fuck up about child support, you stupid bitch?! Yes I know, I was married. I know, it makes me the scumbag of Oakland. Just stop fucking calling me and get a life!”

He threw the phone against the wall with a smash.

“I fucking hate my coworkers…”

Meanwhile, Alice was walking around her house and sobbing quietly. She looked at an old yearbook of her graduating class-- “Alice Ann Amour. Quote: Nobody’s gonna slow me down (oh no), I’ve got to keep on moving!”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to check out the rest of Pondovadia too! https://archiveofourown.org/works/24327712/chapters/58655134


End file.
